Why is it sometimes so hard to hear criticisms about our parenting methods?
Americans are very concerned (some would say “stress a lot”) about what their children do, what they eat, what they learn (especially at school) and the after-school activities they practice. The French, less. But they are not quite left out.
There are those who want their kids to try as many after-school activities as possible and spend a huge amount of time transporting them from one place to another, those who pick them up at school every day at lunch time to let them eat at home before bringing them back to school “because the meal served at school sucks” (even if French school cafeterias are quite famous for their healthy meals), those who go out of their way to find bilingual English-French speaking nannies and baby-sitters (or trilingual or more) for their babies and older children.
I understand all these parents. These behaviors are always well intended: all parents wish to give his children the best chances in life. We all believe that present and future happiness of our children depend on us and we would like to facilitate their journey. Sometimes it is excessive, but the right balance depends on each family.
My husband and I have from the beginning tried to find our right balance according to our own definition of balance. We wanted to let our children discover new horizons without running after “excellence” at any price and in everything (which seems to be an illusion). So we tried to offer our children the opportunity of practicing extra-curricular activities without adding them up. We want it to remain within certain limits and also to preserve our physical health and mental balance!
But from time to time you can get openly or implicitly criticized by another parent for the choices you make for your children. This is part of the “new parents” experiences.
Of course this happened to me a bunch of time and I am now relatively indifferent to it. I admit that I also happened to criticize other parents a few times in my beginnings as a parent. In fact, I am now convinced that there are no good or bad choices concerning children (of course I am talking here about parents concerned about their children and their well-being). Any choice has its back side and those who see things in black and white are generally those who need to reassure themselves.
But there are some criticizes I definitely have a hard time to hear about: the ones formulated to reach you. It is no longer a question of lack of self-confidence, but of pure wickedness.
It happened to me a bunch of time, and each time I felt it was particularly inappropriate, much like when someone criticizes for one’s size, weight, glasses or clothing choices just because he has unintentionally been irritated.
For example, I was recently criticized about the number of after-school activities of my children, not in an excess of kindness towards their fatigue, but simply because I had irritated these people.
Actually our guideline in our family is to allow our children to have both one physical and one artistic activity, as soon as they are reasonably old enough (about 4-5 years old). Our 3 boys are enrolled at the Conservatory (for a musical activity) and have a weekly swimming lesson (which we fortunately managed to fit all 3 in the same schedule on Saturday afternoons!)
But this year unexpected events have been added to these relatively reasonable schedules:
– Over the past few months, each of them had to attend speech therapy sessions at one time or another,
– For my 2 oldest boys courses at music Conservatory include at least 3 mandatory sessions weekly but also at least one or two others strongly advised by the professors. We gave in the friendly pressures of their teachers and added an optional course for each of them: orchestra for the biggest and choir for the 2nd,
– Once the registration at the pool was definitely tied and paid, two of our boys literally begged us to come back to their soccer games (which they had decided to stop at the end of last year).
So there is not much room left for the unexpected in our family time schedule. My husband or I must each afternoon carry at least one child in at least one activity, except on Sundays (phew!). It is tense but it remains manageable. However when there are unforeseen events (such as shows organized by schools or one of these activities), it is sometimes necessary to make choices.
About 2 times a quarter the orchestra group of my eldest son gives a concert for the parents. These concerts usually take place on Wednesday afternoons, or on Saturday afternoons: 1 hour and a half of rehearsals followed by about 1 hour of concert. But my children have other activities during those afternoons. These “extras” are therefore generally difficult to fit into the overall family schedule. We do our best to attend these shows.
However, at the last concert, we had to leave in the inter-act just before another group took place, in order to drive the boys to their weekly swimming lesson. We had duly informed his professor. But when we left, some staff members stared in a bad way. I felt obliged to give an explanation: I told them that we didn’t want to be rude but my children had to go to another appointment. But I heard them whispering in our backs “these children have unbelievably busy schedules” and when I turned, I saw them shake their heads in disapproval.
It’s little and it’s a lot. Actually, if I wanted to have an argument (and especially if I was not in a hurry!) I would have told them that if I was not convinced of the benefits of extracurricular activities, I would not bring my son 3 afternoons a week for 4 lessons to the Conservatory, not to mention the “extras” made of individual auditions and concerts. In addition, the solution of facility would be to completely cut off the Conservatory from our schedule. So they were not in a position to criticize us.
Hearing or getting half-word criticism by other parents about our educational principles is unpleasant. But I generally try to see the mark of a distraught parent who needs to reassure himself by convincing himself that he is right while the other parent is wrong. But when the criticism is only made as a low blow, pure rhetoric, it exceeds my threshold of tolerance and penetrates my hardened skin of experienced parent!
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