Where are you from?
(First Published August 5th 2016)
There is a question some people still ask me (even after having spent almost 30 years in France) that makes me swing between resignation and irritation. This is when people ask me “where are you from?”
Here is a story detailing some usual circumstances: I took my daughter to the appointment with a new pediatrician. And exactly one minute after we crossed the door, the second question she asked me was “where are you from?”
Let’s be clear: I am French, living in France for many years but I have no problem with my origins. I spent most of my life in France (and all my adult life) but I keep strong ties with my origins through my parents, Persian language (my parents talk to me almost exclusively in Persian) and more broadly through my extended family, part of which still lives in Iran, through Iranian recipes and music, as well as the celebration of holidays, particularly Nowruz (the Iranian new year which is celebrated every March 21st, the first day of spring). The last time I returned to Iran was 22 years ago but Iran is still present in my life (and in the lives of my husband and my children) as a cultural background and enrichment.
I don’t mind being “uncovered” (since I don’t try to hide my background!) and one evidence of it is the fact that I chose to put together the name of my husband and mine (as French law allows it). So whoever hears my family name is well aware that it is partly a foreign name. There’s also this little accent I continue to express, which generally does not allow those who I speak with to identify a specific geographical origin (some wonder if my accent comes from an Anglo-Saxon country, while others take a guess for a country from South America …). However there are some hints that suggest my foreign origins, was it from a nearby country or a further one. And I could be a 3rd or 4th generation immigrant or a first generation immigrant.
When we spent a year in the United States (in 2014), the fact that we came from France was pretty obvious as we just settled down in the US and we spoke English with a French accent. And even then I never hid my Iranian origins when I was asked about.
I would also add that my children are very comfortable with the Iranian part of their identity and are more than happy to “disclose” that part of their identity.
So what’s the problem? The problem simply is that I consider this issue (“Where are you from?”) a little bit private and I would like people to wait for being allowed to enter that intimacy! Or at least I would like them to show they acknowledge they are about to enter a private area (eg by introducing their question with a phrase such as “May I ask you …”). I remember, for example, that a few years ago people used to ask “should I call you “madame” or “miss”?” There was nothing rude about it, but it was a bit intrusive.
I think asking about one’s origins is about the same degree of privacy as asking whether she is married or has kids. I could have asked that pediatrician “Are you married?” Or “Do you have children?” This last question could have enlighten me on her ability to take my daughter in charge not only as a doctor but also as a mom… but I didn’t allow myself to explore that aspects of her life and I think she would have been surprised if I tried. Not that she had something to hide, but because we weren’t at that level of intimacy yet!
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